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oh boy [12 Jul 2009|10:36am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I need to get the hell out of here.

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well, balls [23 Jul 2008|07:56pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Hm, I haven't updated this in quite a bit, but my mother doesn't have cancer anymore. The downside? My dad has cancer. Pancreatic cancer which has spread to his liver. He's been in and out of the hospital this past month. It's quite strange since he hasn't shown symptoms of being sick. He was in the hospital primarily because of a blood clot, but they found cancer. Well, at least they found it.


Well, I've been listening to Beck's latest album, "Modern Guilt" and I think it is quite good. It isn't as long as his newer albums ("The Information" or "Guero") but I quite like it.

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omgroflsauce? more along the lines of meh... [03 Jun 2008|08:18pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

The relationship with the 'rents have been more or less coasting. This morning my father and mother had a mini-fight concerning stupid things. My dad wants my mother to rest all day, while my mom would rather be on her toes cooking.

My cousin (mother's side) has been staying with us for about two weeks. There has been some unspoken conflict between the two of them because my dad hates having house guests. Anyway, this morning my mother reprimanded him for his lukewarm mood and my dad got angry and said things like "You can't count on your brothers in the Philippines to help you! You can only count on me! Stop working hard for them!" My mom is on better terms with her family than my dad is with his.

When I left my room after this exchange, I sat near him and he went to me and asked, "Do you have something you want to tell me?" in an inquiring but somewhat angry manner.

I answered with a "Uh, no, why would I?"

He then gave me 'the eye.'

Most of the day today was spent with my cousin and aunt in NJ. He (the cousin) had some immigration things to deal with, and I escorted him around and whatnot.

Anyway, when I got home, I told the folks about the plans some of my friends from HS have for Saturday. Six Flags and whatnot. Anyway, my father kept on asking "Are you going out tomorrow? Why are you always out?"

My mom answered with a "She isn't going anywhere tomorrow because she knows I have a doctor's appointment!"

I then said, "Why are you always asking me that!?"

He then said in a low voice, "I am developing a phobia of you."

I responded with an even lower, "I suppose the feeling is mutual, then."

I really hope none of that was serious, but I'm feeling rather shitty. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

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hmm... [23 May 2008|07:28pm]
Should I or shouldn't I? You know, tell the 'rents that I just might be as gay as Ellen. I mean, it's pretty obvious to many other people that see me, but I don't know if I should. If it isn't obvious, it's pretty obvious that I'm socially awkward. Anyway, it would kill them. Whenever I do something wrong they always remind me that they're "old." I don't know why they always say that, but they do. It is usually, "Jane, we're old..." and then they go on a rant on what I did wrong.

This is pretty lame, but I feel like I should quote a little bit of James Wright poetry:

I want to be lifted up
By some great white bird unknown to the police,
And soar for a thousand miles and be carefully hidden
Modest and golden as one last corn grain,
Stored with the secrets of the wheat and the mysterious lives
Of the unnamed poor.

Well, now that I have that shenanigans out of the way, I'm pretty stoked to have Death Cab concert tickets.
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ack [08 May 2008|08:16pm]
[ mood | fuckin' emo ]

The sooner I accept the things in my life I cannot change, the happier I'll be.

I sobbed a little on Tuesday on the subway ride home while listening to Camera Obscura's Come Back Margaret. It was so strange. I never cried to that song before, but when the line "In dreams I try to take you far away..." came on, a tear went down. What made things worse was the song that played on my MP3 player after "Come Back Margaret" was Eisley's I Wasn't Prepared. That song combination, combined with my depressing mood proved to be a lethal combination.

Once I got off the train, I called Sylvia in an emotional mess. It was probably bad timing since she was in the gym, all glad to be on her way to becomming fit, but here I am to be a killjoy. Anyway, I say to her, "OMG, I just started sobbing for no effing reason! I mean, I've listened to this song so many times, and it just hit me like a truck now."

She answers, "You know Jane, it's because you have a vagina and with that comes times where you will be just emotional for no apparent reason."

I answer with a "Yeah, I guess."

She then goes, "Or you could just be lonely."

Yeah, it is totally that.

Well, yesterday (Wednesday) I planned on spending the day to mope on my own so that by Thursday (today) I'd be less sad. About halfway through my paper for my SEDC 211 class, Tatiana called me to go loiter around because she apparently had nothing better to do. I did have errands to run for my puppetry class, so I figured it wouldn't be too bad to have a taller person to reach for all the out of reach things in Michael's (arts and craft store).

Stepping outside for a bit was a bit better than being cooped up alone. I ended up buying poster board, brass fasteners, wire, and an X-Acto knife. It was quite amusing because I did not know that identification was required to get an X-acto knife.

I found awfully therapeutic to cut out puppet pieces with an X-Acto knife while listening to Belle and Sebastian's album If You're Feeling Sinister and being totally baked. I felt quite okay and mellow.

Today started out all right. It ended all right. The middle was all right. Yet, I still feel a bit down.

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generally all right [26 Apr 2008|11:03pm]
[ mood | awake ]

Well, this week was spring break. It was mostly spent worrying, feeling sad, and wanting to not feel sad. My mother still has cancer and the outlook is still unclear. I feel a little peeved at the media's portrayal of many cancer patients because they're all brave and heroic and full of hope. If I see my mom sob in church again I may have to do something not cool.

Bah, there's no point in being sad all the time.

Anyway, despite the gravity of my current sit situation, I there were two days where things weren't too sucky. The New York comic-con was last Sunday, and that was loads of fun. Pictures of all the shenanigans are on facebook:


The majority of the first page are from NYCC 2007, but the later ones are from this year. I dressed up as a modified Captain Jack Harkness (though it should be changed to "Jane Harkness"). What makes Jane different from Jack? Well, my American accent is real and I don't need to makeout with everything to look cool. :-p

On Wednesday was the Eisley gig. It effing rocked, though the crowd was a little on the tame side. Not as tame as the New Pornographers show, but still pretty tame.

Yeah, that shot was from my camera. I think it looks quite cool. Yes, no zoom was used because my friends and I were so close to the stage. How close? We were touching it. Jealous? More pics on facebook as well:


They just rocked. My god, I'm a little sad that Bôa has been on hiatus for so long, but Eisley's performance of "I Could Be There For You" was sheer awesomeness. It almost makes up for the lack of Bôa in my life. A kind soul was cool enough to record it and post it on youtube. I feel that I should share it. The sound quality is a little bad, but it's still awesome:

I'm in my aunt's house right now because my mom has to be isolated from the rest of us for the weekend. I really hope everything pulls through.

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i'm not diggin this whole... [18 Apr 2008|10:00am]
[ mood | not cool ]

..."silent man" sort of thing. Apparently, there is something up with the hospital where my mom has to have her radiation and my father is blaming me for some sort of shit that doesn't make sense. The hospital called up the house this morning. I picked up the phone and my mom called my father to pick up the phone.

He picks up the phone so I hung up the other line. Apparently, the phone that he used was low on battery and he was unable to hear anything. So, it is my fault that the phone didn't work on his side. Yeah, I should have fucking known that.

It doesn't help that he still won't tell me or my brother the true extent of the problems with the hospital. My brother spoke with them on the phone a few days ago and my dad said that there are no problems because the insurance covered everything and the hospital was well-equipped.

What a load of crap. With the tension currently going on in the house, it seems that the total opposite is true.

I didn't feel like getting up this morning because everything has been so crappy lately. I mean, I should probably be feeling ace because this weekend is comic-con and on Wednesday is the Eisley gig, but GEEZ, I feel like a sack of shit.

It also doesn't help that I'm gay. I was up half the night last night thinking of my "gay-ness." I've accepted it when I was in high school, but there is the occasional day where I would think to myself, "My life would be so much easier if I were straight." Of course, this isn't about me. My parents would be further disappointed with me if they knew.

I mean, I'm pretty sure my father suspects, but that is entirely different that actually knowing.

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those days [17 Apr 2008|07:31pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

It just hit me that I am more or less enjoying all the classes that I'm taking at Hunter. I don't think I have actually hated a class...though I have had classes with really lame professors.

The English courses are not too bad, but I can't say I enjoy writing papers. Some of the education courses seem to be a bit of a waste of time, but they are not too difficult.

My mom has to go through some radiation therapy for her cancer, so I suppose that is a lukewarm sort of thing. At least she isn't six feet under. Yet. Meh.

I also found out that one of the girls I'm crushing on is married. So yeah, I am somewhat crushed. Bah, I should have expected this, all cool ones are always taken.

Though, I am in love with Kaki King's latest album "Dreaming of Revenge." It is very, very good. Beautiful, actually. Her myspace has got some songs off the album. I recommend "Bone Chaos in the Castle" and the song I'm currently playing.


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OLD [08 Apr 2008|03:57pm]
[ mood | quixotic ]

As some of you may know, I observe in a highschool in Manhattan (I am an education major, y'know). My partner and I were talking about how we don't really feel old, but in the face of all these teenagers, we can't help but see and feel a huge difference. Basically, we felt like teenagers without the angst. Fun stories of hilariousness insued (her story):

"About three years ago I went to a No Doubt concert. I felt so out of place because of all the kids that were there! I started second guessing myself. 'Should I still be listening to this sort of music?,' 'Am I really that old?,' 'Is there something wrong with me?' Then, I remembered the beer in my hand and felt smug. So while those kids just stood there trying to be cool, I was cool because I could sip my beer without worry."


"About two week ago, a girl in the group I tutor was wearing a Thundercats hoodie. A boy in the group went 'Thundercats, hooo!' Then, the girl said, 'Do He-Man!' The boy then went 'He-Man hoooo!' I couldn't helpe but butt in and say, 'If you're going to quote cartoons older than yourselves, do it right! It's BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!' The kids just stared blank and went back to their work."

We both agreed that kids who know nothing about the Ramones should NOT wear the Ramones t-shirts sold in Urban Outfitters. Kids these days.

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oh noes!!! [17 Mar 2008|08:49pm]
[ mood | blah ]

So I went to DIG (this little website thingy) to see how I'm doing so far in terms college credits and graduation. Lo and behold I see this:


Mind that its just a little snippet of the actual website. Oh lordy, adulthood is around the corner. I mean yeah, I know that I am legally an adult, but I still act like an under-ager all the time.

My mother's surgery to remove the "thing that must not be named" was today. I visited her in the hospital for a bit, but I don't like staying in hospitals long so I hung around for about thirty minutes then left. My mom was sleeping and whatnot, but I'm still a little worried.

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the single most boring thing... [10 Mar 2008|09:55pm]
[ mood | bored ]

...I was forced to read but didn't because it was so long and boring:


God, just looking at that makes me want to shoot myself. Screw scholarly texts, this file blows them all out of the water in terms of being ridiculously boring. It isn't even that long, but GAWD! If teachers are supposed to follow these guidelines, no wonder students are always complaining of boring teachers! BTW, this is just for English Language Arts. Imagine how it would be for mathematics, history, and science.

This file should have just put the "This is evident when..." instead of all the other junk. Boo.

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black hole + gay porn = massive suckage [08 Mar 2008|11:17am]
[ mood | depressed ]

...but even that doesn't come close to how much life is sucking right now. My Eisley concert ticket came in the mail yesterday. Since it isn't that expensive, I'll go to the NYCC as well.

I should be relatively peachy, right? Well, not exactly. Apparently my mother has cancer. I don't really know what I feel about this other than not happy.

On to other news, I became a vegetarian as of one week ago. So I have not been eating meat for a week. I'm not sure as to what type of vegetarian, but I still eat dairy (milk, cheese). I can't sympathize with militant vegans since I have not had any good experiences with those folk. ("STOP EATING ANIMAL PRODUCTS, BARBARIAN!" "FREE THE ANIMALS!") Yeah, they can suck my imaginary balls.

Anyway, I've already felt a difference in terms of my "regularity." By "regularity" I end up going twice a day. I'm like a crap machine or something. Though, I guess that is good, right?

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to Con or not to Con... [01 Mar 2008|08:11pm]
[ mood | confused ]

So, this coming April is the New York ComicCon. Luckily for me, it is on the weekend of spring break, so I'll not have to worry about it. Also, GRANT MORRISON will be there. Yes, my beloved bald Scotsman will be a "guest of honour" (spelling with a "u" on purpose there!) or something like that. As for the other baldy BKV, his whereabouts are unknown...

The problem is, is that on the same week of the con is an Eisley concert.

I am torn as to which event I should attend because I can only afford to go to one event. Boo.

Tickets to the con are 30 dollars for a one day pass and 45 dollars for the entire weekend. The Eisley concert is 15 dollars in advance and 17 dollars at the door.

I mean, I've already met Grant Morrison a year an a half ago, and he is the coolest comic book writer I've ever spoken with. Yes, I think he was cooler than Vaughan. The thing is, is that I'm pretty sure there will be hundreds of nerds there that will be ready to jump at him.

As for Eisley...I've never seen them in concert before, so that should be reason enough, right (it's also half the price)? Well, there are two other opening acts before them and I don't know if it would be worth standing about for two hours for two other bands I've never heard of. I can't even be bothered to remember their names!

Christ almighty, give me a sign!

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well...RANDOMNESS... [12 Feb 2008|08:42pm]
[ mood | silly ]

Random thoughts and what not...Now I know where those Central Park ducks go in the winter (FYI, they stay there). Take that Holden Caulfield!

Also, I have a ridiculously annoying voice. Today was fun and the snow was very pretty. Winter wonderland indeed.

Maybe next time I'll put on a little music to liven up my life.

My fangirl crushes look a zillion times prettier in that light. Luis' guitar skills, however, still kinda blow.

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numero zillion [28 Jan 2008|08:23pm]
[ mood | content ]

I suppose it has been 1.5 weeks since my parents left for the Philippines. The day after they left I bought myself an electric guitar. Nothing fancy. Just a low-end Epiphone Les Paul. The perfect guitar for a poor wannabe.


At the time I bought it, Guitar Center had a massive after Christmas sale. I'm still learning, but I'm having fun (at totally stinking at it). The day after, I bought a mini Fender amp. I didn't buy it at GC, but there was another music store that was going out of business and all the merchandise was 40% off (which was why I was able to afford it).

I should also go to the gym. Aklima got me a trial membership at Lucille Roberts. I plan on waking up bright and early tomorrow and start the lifting of the weights. God, I'm a porker. It's like everywhere I look, there's cake. Then, I eat the cake.

So yeah, nothing much goin' on in this camp. Hope all is well with everyone else.

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isn't that your guitar hero? [13 Jan 2008|10:00am]
[ mood | ditzy ]

Why, yes! Yes, it is!

Belle and Sebastian's STEVIE JACKSON. Holy balls, it's like I died and gone off to a better place!

Yeah, last night I went with a couple of friends to the "Royal Albert Hall Project," which was a free concert where a bunch of obscure artists covered Bob Dylan songs. Some were really great while others tried too hard to emulate Dylan. Bah, whatever! It was totally worth sitting through the whole thing for this!

I had about three hours of sleep because I was still so wired. Yes, I am insane.


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is everything out to get you? [04 Jan 2008|12:59pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I certainly hope not.

Anyhoo, it's good to see that Barack Obama pulled through in the Iowa caucus. I really do not want John Edwards to win. At all. The dude just creeps me out. There is something that is most definitely fake about him.


Also, my dad is a freakin racist, but aren't all people over the age of 65 racists? He flat out told me, "I don't like Obama because he's black. If he were a white guy, I'd vote for him, but he isn't." Surprisingly, he doesn't like Huckabee either.

I would really like it if Obama won the presidency, but I have a sinking feeling that it may not happen. America needs a change of image after the fiasco that is the last 7 years. Sadly, I'm pretty sure that many people will not vote for him because of his skin. Eff them.

I also just finished reading Cormac McCarthy's book The Road. Everyone must read that. It's by the same guy who wrote "No Country for Old Men," and that's a hit because of the movie. So go read!

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ATTENTION! [17 Dec 2007|08:38pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Finals have been brutal. Seriously, from my last blog post (thanksgiving) 'til this week, I've had nothing but papers to write and tests to take. Heck, I'm sorta writing a paper right now.

Anyway, the PERSEPOLIS movie is coming out soon and I'd love to watch it. Yes, anyone willing to sit through another comic based movie with me is welcome to join. I just have to find a theatre that screens it. I loved the comic book. Here's more info:


I just dicovered an Aussie singer by the name of Missy Higgins. She sounds fantastic...like an eerie cross between Jasmine Rodgers and Norah Jones. She's great. Give her a listen:


I'm out to continue writing my paper, obsess over Tracyanne Campbell and Stevie Jackson, read, or whatever else it is I do.

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killing is never good [23 Nov 2007|04:17pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I had a very unsettling dream last night. I don't remember much about it, but I think I was in a battle/war/something that involves fighting. Anyway, my team/army/battalion/whatever were fighting the enemy using projectiles like shooting missiles and throwing sticks of dynamite and grenades and such. Strangely, there weren't any guns. There probably should have been.

Anyway here I am, sitting in a trench, throwing grenades every which way at the enemy. From the corner of my eye, I see one of the enemy (I didn't get a good look at his face, but he was Chinese/East Asian looking) trying to sneak into my group's trench and sabotage our weapons. I was able to push him aside. I attacked him a pair of garden shears. I stabbed him in the back first and pried the shears out. He was still alive, so I stabbed him again in another part of his back. I pulled out the shears, thinking he was done for, but he was still alive.

He staggered back onto the walls of trench. He was facing me, but I still didn't get a very good look at his face. I then stabbed him in the chest, then stomach, remembering to open and close the shears in him to make sure he was dead as a doornail. He still wasn't dead. He muttered something I couldn't understand and climbed out of the trench.

Worried that he would snitch on me, I followed him out of the trench and saw him climb into an ambulance (the warzone somehow disappeared). I opened the door to the ambulance and hid the garden shears behind my back. He then looked at me with the (you are totally screwed) look on his face. Then a paramedic who looked a lot like Mary Elizabeth Ellis, walked in and started talking to the guy I attacked. I don't remember everything she said, but it was something like "It's a shame you have all these scars." She then started to put bandages on his back. The guy just looked at me with a sinister grin on his face.

In the dream, I panicked and started to blabber apologies to the guy. I started to rationalize my actions in that we were in a war and that if the roles were reversed, he would probably have done the same thing. He didn't say anything and just kept on grinning while the paramedic fixed his wounds.

I then truly apologized to the guy even more, said that I deeply regretted my actions. He still didn't acknowledge anything I said. I started sobbing and crying even harder to this guy. He simply sat there. I took the garden shears and threw them in his direction, frustrated and left the ambulance. I started crying in the dream yelling "I'm sorry!"

Then I woke up. I really did not like that dream.

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Watchmen Babies in V for Vacation! [21 Nov 2007|11:43am]
[ mood | angry ]

God, I'm so angry and bitter. During times like these, I wish I had a career in demolition or deconstruction so that I can just break things all day and vent all my anger and frustrations on buildings that need to be taken down. Unfortunately, I was born a girl, and that sort of thing isn't the sort of thing a proper lady does.

Le sigh.

On to slightly better things, the most recent Simpsons episode was hilarious. Alan Moore guest starred in it. Awesomeness.

As for the Simpsons, the Simpsons movie was so great. What I'm feeling right now is very similar to the scene where Lisa is angry and Marge goes, "Now Lisa, you're a woman. You can carry it forever."

Lisa then heaves a deep sigh and bottles up her anger. Unlike her, I can't do it forever.

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