well, balls

Hm, I haven't updated this in quite a bit, but my mother doesn't have cancer anymore. The downside? My dad has cancer. Pancreatic cancer which has spread to his liver. He's been in and out of the hospital this past month. It's quite strange since he hasn't shown symptoms of being sick. He was in the hospital primarily because of a blood clot, but they found cancer. Well, at least they found it.


Well, I've been listening to Beck's latest album, "Modern Guilt" and I think it is quite good. It isn't as long as his newer albums ("The Information" or "Guero") but I quite like it.
  • Current Music
    Beck - Orphans

omgroflsauce? more along the lines of meh...

The relationship with the 'rents have been more or less coasting. This morning my father and mother had a mini-fight concerning stupid things. My dad wants my mother to rest all day, while my mom would rather be on her toes cooking.

My cousin (mother's side) has been staying with us for about two weeks. There has been some unspoken conflict between the two of them because my dad hates having house guests. Anyway, this morning my mother reprimanded him for his lukewarm mood and my dad got angry and said things like "You can't count on your brothers in the Philippines to help you! You can only count on me! Stop working hard for them!" My mom is on better terms with her family than my dad is with his.

When I left my room after this exchange, I sat near him and he went to me and asked, "Do you have something you want to tell me?" in an inquiring but somewhat angry manner.

I answered with a "Uh, no, why would I?"

He then gave me 'the eye.'

Most of the day today was spent with my cousin and aunt in NJ. He (the cousin) had some immigration things to deal with, and I escorted him around and whatnot.

Anyway, when I got home, I told the folks about the plans some of my friends from HS have for Saturday. Six Flags and whatnot. Anyway, my father kept on asking "Are you going out tomorrow? Why are you always out?"

My mom answered with a "She isn't going anywhere tomorrow because she knows I have a doctor's appointment!"

I then said, "Why are you always asking me that!?"

He then said in a low voice, "I am developing a phobia of you."

I responded with an even lower, "I suppose the feeling is mutual, then."

I really hope none of that was serious, but I'm feeling rather shitty. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.
  • Current Music
    The World/Inferno Friendship Society - Addicted to Bad Ideas


Should I or shouldn't I? You know, tell the 'rents that I just might be as gay as Ellen. I mean, it's pretty obvious to many other people that see me, but I don't know if I should. If it isn't obvious, it's pretty obvious that I'm socially awkward. Anyway, it would kill them. Whenever I do something wrong they always remind me that they're "old." I don't know why they always say that, but they do. It is usually, "Jane, we're old..." and then they go on a rant on what I did wrong.

This is pretty lame, but I feel like I should quote a little bit of James Wright poetry:

I want to be lifted up
By some great white bird unknown to the police,
And soar for a thousand miles and be carefully hidden
Modest and golden as one last corn grain,
Stored with the secrets of the wheat and the mysterious lives
Of the unnamed poor.

Well, now that I have that shenanigans out of the way, I'm pretty stoked to have Death Cab concert tickets.
  • Current Music
    The Postal Service - Nothing Better


The sooner I accept the things in my life I cannot change, the happier I'll be.

I sobbed a little on Tuesday on the subway ride home while listening to Camera Obscura's Come Back Margaret. It was so strange. I never cried to that song before, but when the line "In dreams I try to take you far away..." came on, a tear went down. What made things worse was the song that played on my MP3 player after "Come Back Margaret" was Eisley's I Wasn't Prepared. That song combination, combined with my depressing mood proved to be a lethal combination.

Once I got off the train, I called Sylvia in an emotional mess. It was probably bad timing since she was in the gym, all glad to be on her way to becomming fit, but here I am to be a killjoy. Anyway, I say to her, "OMG, I just started sobbing for no effing reason! I mean, I've listened to this song so many times, and it just hit me like a truck now."

She answers, "You know Jane, it's because you have a vagina and with that comes times where you will be just emotional for no apparent reason."

I answer with a "Yeah, I guess."

She then goes, "Or you could just be lonely."

Yeah, it is totally that.

Well, yesterday (Wednesday) I planned on spending the day to mope on my own so that by Thursday (today) I'd be less sad. About halfway through my paper for my SEDC 211 class, Tatiana called me to go loiter around because she apparently had nothing better to do. I did have errands to run for my puppetry class, so I figured it wouldn't be too bad to have a taller person to reach for all the out of reach things in Michael's (arts and craft store).

Stepping outside for a bit was a bit better than being cooped up alone. I ended up buying poster board, brass fasteners, wire, and an X-Acto knife. It was quite amusing because I did not know that identification was required to get an X-acto knife.

I found awfully therapeutic to cut out puppet pieces with an X-Acto knife while listening to Belle and Sebastian's album If You're Feeling Sinister and being totally baked. I felt quite okay and mellow.

Today started out all right. It ended all right. The middle was all right. Yet, I still feel a bit down.
  • Current Music
    Death Cab for Cutie - Soul Meets Body

generally all right

Well, this week was spring break. It was mostly spent worrying, feeling sad, and wanting to not feel sad. My mother still has cancer and the outlook is still unclear. I feel a little peeved at the media's portrayal of many cancer patients because they're all brave and heroic and full of hope. If I see my mom sob in church again I may have to do something not cool.

Bah, there's no point in being sad all the time.

Anyway, despite the gravity of my current sit situation, I there were two days where things weren't too sucky. The New York comic-con was last Sunday, and that was loads of fun. Pictures of all the shenanigans are on facebook:


The majority of the first page are from NYCC 2007, but the later ones are from this year. I dressed up as a modified Captain Jack Harkness (though it should be changed to "Jane Harkness"). What makes Jane different from Jack? Well, my American accent is real and I don't need to makeout with everything to look cool. :-p

On Wednesday was the Eisley gig. It effing rocked, though the crowd was a little on the tame side. Not as tame as the New Pornographers show, but still pretty tame.

Yeah, that shot was from my camera. I think it looks quite cool. Yes, no zoom was used because my friends and I were so close to the stage. How close? We were touching it. Jealous? More pics on facebook as well:


They just rocked. My god, I'm a little sad that Bôa has been on hiatus for so long, but Eisley's performance of "I Could Be There For You" was sheer awesomeness. It almost makes up for the lack of Bôa in my life. A kind soul was cool enough to record it and post it on youtube. I feel that I should share it. The sound quality is a little bad, but it's still awesome:

I'm in my aunt's house right now because my mom has to be isolated from the rest of us for the weekend. I really hope everything pulls through.
  • Current Music
    house creeks and stuff like that

i'm not diggin this whole...

..."silent man" sort of thing. Apparently, there is something up with the hospital where my mom has to have her radiation and my father is blaming me for some sort of shit that doesn't make sense. The hospital called up the house this morning. I picked up the phone and my mom called my father to pick up the phone.

He picks up the phone so I hung up the other line. Apparently, the phone that he used was low on battery and he was unable to hear anything. So, it is my fault that the phone didn't work on his side. Yeah, I should have fucking known that.

It doesn't help that he still won't tell me or my brother the true extent of the problems with the hospital. My brother spoke with them on the phone a few days ago and my dad said that there are no problems because the insurance covered everything and the hospital was well-equipped.

What a load of crap. With the tension currently going on in the house, it seems that the total opposite is true.

I didn't feel like getting up this morning because everything has been so crappy lately. I mean, I should probably be feeling ace because this weekend is comic-con and on Wednesday is the Eisley gig, but GEEZ, I feel like a sack of shit.

It also doesn't help that I'm gay. I was up half the night last night thinking of my "gay-ness." I've accepted it when I was in high school, but there is the occasional day where I would think to myself, "My life would be so much easier if I were straight." Of course, this isn't about me. My parents would be further disappointed with me if they knew.

I mean, I'm pretty sure my father suspects, but that is entirely different that actually knowing.
  • Current Music
    System of a Down - Sad Statue

those days

It just hit me that I am more or less enjoying all the classes that I'm taking at Hunter. I don't think I have actually hated a class...though I have had classes with really lame professors.

The English courses are not too bad, but I can't say I enjoy writing papers. Some of the education courses seem to be a bit of a waste of time, but they are not too difficult.

My mom has to go through some radiation therapy for her cancer, so I suppose that is a lukewarm sort of thing. At least she isn't six feet under. Yet. Meh.

I also found out that one of the girls I'm crushing on is married. So yeah, I am somewhat crushed. Bah, I should have expected this, all cool ones are always taken.

Though, I am in love with Kaki King's latest album "Dreaming of Revenge." It is very, very good. Beautiful, actually. Her myspace has got some songs off the album. I recommend "Bone Chaos in the Castle" and the song I'm currently playing.

  • Current Music
    Kaki King - Can Anyone Who Has Heard This Music Really Be a Bad Person?
Ampersand and Dr.Mann


As some of you may know, I observe in a highschool in Manhattan (I am an education major, y'know). My partner and I were talking about how we don't really feel old, but in the face of all these teenagers, we can't help but see and feel a huge difference. Basically, we felt like teenagers without the angst. Fun stories of hilariousness insued (her story):

"About three years ago I went to a No Doubt concert. I felt so out of place because of all the kids that were there! I started second guessing myself. 'Should I still be listening to this sort of music?,' 'Am I really that old?,' 'Is there something wrong with me?' Then, I remembered the beer in my hand and felt smug. So while those kids just stood there trying to be cool, I was cool because I could sip my beer without worry."


"About two week ago, a girl in the group I tutor was wearing a Thundercats hoodie. A boy in the group went 'Thundercats, hooo!' Then, the girl said, 'Do He-Man!' The boy then went 'He-Man hoooo!' I couldn't helpe but butt in and say, 'If you're going to quote cartoons older than yourselves, do it right! It's BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!' The kids just stared blank and went back to their work."

We both agreed that kids who know nothing about the Ramones should NOT wear the Ramones t-shirts sold in Urban Outfitters. Kids these days.
  • Current Music
    The Decemberists - This Island

oh noes!!!

So I went to DIG (this little website thingy) to see how I'm doing so far in terms college credits and graduation. Lo and behold I see this:


Mind that its just a little snippet of the actual website. Oh lordy, adulthood is around the corner. I mean yeah, I know that I am legally an adult, but I still act like an under-ager all the time.

My mother's surgery to remove the "thing that must not be named" was today. I visited her in the hospital for a bit, but I don't like staying in hospitals long so I hung around for about thirty minutes then left. My mom was sleeping and whatnot, but I'm still a little worried.
  • Current Music
    Camera Obscura - Keep It Clean